it was just the left half
jude
snarksnarklaugh
Been too busy. Try to enjoy my life but mostly it's doing a whole lot of okay. I have happy moments sometimes.

Career...working on a few different things. No good idea.

Relationships are mostly going ok. Met a bunch of people lately and haven't been keeping up with the old ones so great. Ha some things don't change but I'm going to put some effort into that when work things settle down.
Mysterious stranger in my life... not even sure what to think or report here about that. It's a thing.Mostly think about it when I correspond with them. I might have to keep this updated about that. Suspect it might be the most recent ex ( by a few coincidences that seem unlikely to be random or a more past ex). For the record not all my ex's are crazy stalkers. I hope anyway.


Wish I had more trails for biking my legs are looking beat. I have about 12 bruises and my left knee is covered in scratches.

Still Sad
mantis
snarksnarklaugh
Strange to miss someone you don't really know? I sleep okay and my appetite came back. There's this strange feeling that's hard to put into words. Still working on finding my voice in my writing. That is not my problem here. The problem is I have very few relationships that are long lasting. I was going to add romantic relationships but it kind of goes for other types as well ... I've moved and my life has been very scattered and all over the place. It's kind of funny to think of everyone in my life in say a room together or at my wedding..lol that'd be fucking batshit. It's a lot don't know how to relate to old friends and everyone is busy and all over the place. It's kind of sad too. As for making new ones...huh yeah ... I'll try as I get my life on some kind of track even if I don't like it. It can always be changed that I'm mostly doing nothing I can discuss in simple small talky conversations is tough. People tend to ask about basic things that in my life are complicated. Then I have to make that weird choice to explain or fluff em off somehow. I usually go with fluff em off by the way. Not a conversation piece that goes over well but I hate trying to explain what I've been doing as it was intense and deeply personal and convoluted to an amazing degree. Know it looks and seems bad to just blank people out when they have genuine interest and care how I've been. It's the lookie loos I don't care to waste time but been coming around to maybe I should tell. It's nothing that makes me look bad , it probably improve a lot of people's opinion of me to be honest. In having been fluffing everyone off on the subject of me and what the hell I've been doing I need to find my voice and a decent simple clear way to tell that story.

This is a lot of changes at once
brave
snarksnarklaugh
I have been on LiveJournal for numerous years and mostly it was the same old comfortable format. Don't want to seem like a curmudgeon but I hate when everything in my life changes at once almost. In this case it's in rapid succession and I have a hard time thinking of one thing that has stayed constant. And I am really found of constancy on some level. Do I need some things to change and will it be for the better in hopefully most or all cases? Affirmative. That it's almost forced on me is the part that irks me.

Making change to my life and maybe a few badish habits is progress. I need to grow and move forward but I never cotton to be channeled or pushed. Feel almost ready for anything. My life has given me the luxury of wasting a lot of time to have a super long learning curve. Spent years retooling me basically. Unlearning unhelpful things. Regaining a sense of purpose and self. All that Eat,Pray,Love shit. My version was slightly different as I'm a different person but I've more fully coming into myself. I matured in many ways. Thankful to errr.......everyone the universe I don't even know where to start... Glad I lived to this point. It's one of those points where not at the end of this tunnel but I see the light and it's close. Not sure my eyes are adjusted for all the light there about to get blasted with is my feeling.

To be less abstract and vague: my life is changing and well not nostalgic it saddens me. Not 100% sure I'm ready skills or coping wise don't think I have much of a choice. Want to move forward but appreciate present while doing so and honor in some way the past even the not so freaking wonderful parts. I would like some basic level of consistency that never seems to happen.Know to be careful what I wish for.Keep in mind the grass is greener but sometimes the grass really is greener! I try and do deeply appreciate my life. Try to make it purposeful and not waste it.

Sad
b :( face
snarksnarklaugh
Fine most of the time. Soldier on right? Fake it til you make it. Stiff upper lip. Keep calm and ....fuck it's just hurting. Still. And I want it to stop. I don't ever want to feel this bad again. And there was almost no defense. Want to say it will be fine one day and lalalla just telling myself bs to feel better most likely. Think I can't forgive myself and I'm so half heartened. I feel like I literally have half of my heart.
Anger phase is over.And still a lil denial because of all the confusion... ugh which brings up the anger over their being any confusion. Except I have a hard time being mad. It's my job to watch out for me, regardless of others ( who in this case have there own very special issues that don't excuse but make it super hard to blame/be mad at them and not feel like a heartless asshole). The apologies help. The knowing some things helped a lot.
It still sucks. I wanted positive outcome(s). I didn't want drama and hurt and more confusion for the love of it. Just want a nice happy normal life. All.I really don't think that's asking much out of life,except my life never seems to work out like that.

This post is badass
jude
snarksnarklaugh
Two steps forward eight to the left. Someone in my life understands that.


Going to limit my online time to 4 hours unless it's making me money or filing out necessary forms. I think that maybe excessive but I'll probably whittle it down as I plan the rest of my schedule more accurately. Been missing out on time with friends and catching up with family. Would enjoy some outside exercise and dog playing time. The rest is just going to be work/career related.

Was this written for me
mantis
snarksnarklaugh
At this very point in my life...


Strange when a person finds seemingly very randomly just the very thing that has been missing link to solving something important. It's somewhere between eureka and I am I being punk'd. A touch of why didn't I find this info sooner, not that I would have even been ready or able to use it.

Glad I found it anyway. Just that not quite deja vu feeling.
One of the beautiful things about people is someone else had the same problem as you and may have solved it and wrote it down somewhere. Or there are other people going through the same issue at the same time and one can commiserate and encourage each other.



This entry was supposed to be about my life so maybe I should get around to that part of it. About my life.. well not much to report to the internet. Most things and people are fine. Nothing to important has happened although I have been making changes. In the long run the last few months have been important but gradual change. I ate a salad with my lunch yesterday kind of changes. It's nice not to over do it all at once. The changes will stick better and become habits if I introduce them one at a time and slowly build. There is defiantly a snowball effect to it.

Sticking to my New Year Resolutions. Not doing spectacular on one of them but there's a different one I'm doing better then expected on. It's kind of a wash at the moment. Feel that I have more control over my life but it somehow hasn't made me into a control freak or worry excessively about my responsibility so I think it's a success.

Have talked to new people and read new things as usual but cut down a bit on all that to focus on me. It's hard. I've always enjoined that part of my life. It comes natural to me to meet people and explore new ideas or places etc. Stability and commitment are hard. I have to really love a place or person or job to be in a place I feel I can stand committing. It stems from me taking even light commitments way serious. I'm very ethical and principled and hate failure so it's hard.Too conscientious. Need to be more practical and tactical perhaps. Haven't been looking out for number 1 as much as I should have and need to.Need to take into account the systems and people I have to deal with are mostly not looking out for me and sometimes actively working against my interests. I try not to 1) take it personally as most of these things predate my existence in many cases or people don't even know me 2)get discouraged 3) get distracted 4) burn more bridges then necessary 5) forget the purpose.


Wish I could thank all the people who helped me get through my life and grow as a person but I can't so I will keep trying to return that favor to others in my free time. Feeling as though one makes a meaningful impact is just a basic human motivator. Some people think it's about ego or fear of death but I think it's about sharing a meaningful connection and/or experience. We all have a limited time and know we'll die somehow someday no matter how hard or smart we try. In the mean time try to do something useful but meaningful but some use the worst kind of means to try and say have their name remembered instead of making their own and others lives better.

alone but not lonely
brave
snarksnarklaugh
Tonight I spent most of it alone working on my things. Normally I wouldn't have felt alone tonight I did. The funny thing is I even talked to someone. It just wasn't the same. Something has changed and I can not for the life of me figure out what. I need more time to sort out what I want even though I pretty much know and just have to execute on it. It's frustrating right now but the thought is in the long run I got this shit.

Been trying to not worry about what I will do when xyz until xyz comes up.The problem with that is when it comes up I would like to be prepared and confident not caught off guard and fake confident. Whilst it is impossible to prepare for everything I can make a reasonable due diligence effort to prepare for what is likely. I feel like I should make some kind of checklist and call it good when I can go through it and check everything. Can not fathom what else to do besides I need to focus on the future and not get too caught up in other people or past bs.


I did the right thing by telling the person now that I'm not ready then drawing it out or disappearing but it was not pleasant. Made that decision before I even met them but it's hard to "pass" up on people. It's half timing and the other half is luck isn't it though? They seemed to take it better than I did for the love of ....?! put too much thought and effort into anything and one starts over valuing it. I have to keep that in mind and spread myself into many things. In this case it hasn't helped because it isn't about any person or not having other things. I've just had to put in a lot of thought and effort into relationships in general and I can't speak for others I think I value both my friends and lovers more.

There is the resentment and respect issue. I resent that I've had to put so much effort and thought and time alone into it. I've missed out on a lot in large part through no fault of my own. It's hard for me to respect *cough* this is going to sound bad but most people. I have to actively find the good in them to not ...it's hard to explain because I sure as hell don't run around telling people how stupid they seem etc hahah...and that's really hard. It's not a superiority complex at least not one without merit. It helps me to know the people and remember that people often pretend their life is going better then it is. We have are strengths and weaknesses and things that come easy and things we work for.


My checklist should be
shut up stop thinking
and just do something.



Terrible habit of thinking way ahead which works well in some ways but not lately and not enjoyable. Sure it's saved me from being an idiot on occasion but it's probably stopped me from enjoyment and living in which it's okay and normal to be an idiot.

Another day and night bites the dust
jude
snarksnarklaugh
English language has many metaphors. It doesn't help that I love to use them instead of just cutting to the chase. One beautiful human made me realize I need to be more direct and stop pussy footing around.

This week has felt extra long. Not waiting waiting is hard. This year is not going to be as enjoyable as last. I can say that ahead because I know myself well enough. Will follow my plans and achieve what I want to and add responsibilities. In this I will take pride and some pleasure in that but not the same as simple enjoyment of living that was last year. It will painful to take on burdens even though I took the time to get rid of many of my previous burdens. It's comparable to "good" debt versus "bad" debt. My previous burdens were a dead weight and the new ones will hopeful be a responsible look at me handling my biznezz like a champ and not losing my shit when it goes wrong.

Just tell myself it's a commitment not a burden and I didn't sign my soul over to the devil so my self preservation needs to not freak.


Just have to keep living. Have some plans for the year. Already working on those. Some are pure personal and some involve others. Going to try to be a better friend but that's going to be hard against me taking on commitments left and right. Phhffffffffffffff somethings going to give and it will probably be free time reading etc. I'll try my damnedest not to pout or get sulky but I make no promises on that topic. Some of my personal plans involve making time for things to balance out the stress,pain,and change. Get back to things I have been missing out on for various reasons. Plan on catching me eating out with friends etc this year.

Chose livejournal as my medium for documenting this year in large part. Last year it was pen and paper journal and year before maybe photos. Found reading my previous posts enlightening except the vague posts. I mentioned someone by name but honestly don't recall who or what it was about (years later...). I will try to be very specific but use my brevity to not tmi my audience. Try to keep up a somewhat regular post schedule. May make some of them private vs posting public if I want just remind myself of what's in it.

Pulling an all nighter
mantis
snarksnarklaugh
Need to relax but remembered I have a livejournal and never update it.

Normal all nighter would be me staying out all night enjoying myself too much but it's almost Thanksgiving so it's not one those sadly. If it was one of those I would most likely not be updating my livejournal while out.

Lost my ring somewhere a couple days ago and need to find it but other than that have nothing immediate I can do that is useful. Believe it might have fallen behind the dresser and I need to turn lights on before running into furniture in the future. Sitting in a chair reading and contemplating for the last few hours. Nothing too interesting going on with me. Life is definitely changing in some ways but it's mostly just pedestrian if one doesn't know me well. From my social life to my alarm clock there's been a huge difference lately.All positive I am happy to tell you whoever you are.:) Still hard to find motivation sometimes. I try to tell myself to do what I can with what I have where I am at this point and forgive myself the rest and the things out of my control. I think the next six months are going to be crucial and dynamic.


This winter is going to be long. Making good head winds on a lot of items I've chosen to focus on. Should add that I feel most fortunate to have time to focus on what I want to. It's a strange feeling because I sometimes feel guilty that I have such leisure in a way. I've had some tough breaks in my life but some really beautiful ones. Ain't that life though? Lately I've come to that point where I get frustrated and impatient and feel instant anger about "wasting" my effort. Learned that's my cue to take a break from things and focus on the basics. Spending less time on internet/phone/etc has helped me. Had to make November Resolutions instead of waiting until January. Nothing rad just hum drum ending my few bad habits so I seem non human. I am only jesting I don't feel as though I can the luxury of bad habits. I also know I can't afford to burn out ever again and need to find my "bad" habits that relax me instead of hyping me up and taking energy away.



One stick in my craw it's that I spent endless time honing my rhetoric only to find out the job I might want guidelines state to cut out all the rhetoric. I can't even.... hmmmm. In a strange coincidence I accidentally spent the last couple months working on one skill listed that I could use some work on. It gave me a bit of a silly grin. I was going to say coincidence but really it's more of a strange connection.

Don't know what to update.
brave
snarksnarklaugh
Think you never know a person until you end a relationship with them. Think about it. There's nothing people get more upset over to a large part or more awkward etc. It's very revealing in some ways both intensity of feeling and character wise. Now I'm wondering if I should ever be with someone without breaking it off at least once. *dangerous idea* in that it's stupid. If I find someone or someone changes their mind *cough* and we try again because somethings change I swear I wouldn't breakup to see character. Have other methods like getting to know the person. That's right good old get to know and don't over invest emotionally before it seems safe. That doesn't work out all the time either. I've decided to make a life where the possibility of a good relationship can happen and to be able and willing. If it never does I am decidedly ok with that. Thank you universe.


To my ex whatever you were,and I was's/ams..hmmmm strange thoughts at making that current pretense;
Some of you were wonderful but the timing was bad,some of you were kind of crazy but I loved you for it although I really wish you some inner peace and a super good therapist lol, some of you cared,someone of you probably forgot my name 2 seconds after I told you, one of you will love me until you drop dead because you ruined it but I know you'd fixed that if you could, some of you loved me at my worst, some of you brought me to my worst but I needed that to heal and learn my limits, some of you made some of the happiest memories in my life, all of you taught me I'm lovable for no good reason at all,even if you don't know me,or don't look great or I'm a being a huge dork *sigh*.... and that you're actions and sweet words etc are not a reflection on my value and self worth and yet I can value them highly. Mostly you taught me to accept love as well as give it and not to put up with bullshit.


Special one if the most recent one finds this; sorry for being so cynical (although you know why) but you are great in some important ways don't be so hard on yourself and relax. You can't force a connection. It's either there or you work at it. Mostly it's there and you work at it too. If I got one mulligan and a redo it would be you.Shhh don't tell the others ;) they'd never understand things you do about me the way you do and still kind of hard even though the situation isn't conducive blah blah blah doesn't change how I feel about you.

It hurts the most because I'm so close to being ready and I wasn't expecting you at all (hence the cynicism and closed offness).



Wasn't ready my life situation was conducive,now that my life situation isn't as much I'm ready. UGH................................................................................so frustrating.

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